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Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a
hotel room and Donald wanted to have ‘relations’ with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'
Donald frowned and said, 'No.'
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not
have ‘relations’.
'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if
they had condoms.
'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled one out from under the
counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put it on your bill?
'No!' Donald quacked, 'I'll thucking thuffocate'
<top>
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Three little ducks go into a
Bar..............................
'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first
duck.
'Huey,' was the reply.
'How's your day been, Huey?'
'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of
puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said
Huey.
'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the
second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'
'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.
'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.
'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out
of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So,
you must be Louie?'
'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes. 'My name is
Puddles.' |
<top>
A Duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of bitter and a ham
sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck,
"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we
don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this
way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains
the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to
town.
The Ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman
says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?
I know this duck that would be
just
brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and
everything!".
"Sounds marvelous", says the ringmaster, "get him to give me a
call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman
says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job,
paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus", says the barman.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again.
"Yes" says the barman
"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.
"Yeah" the barman replies.
"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.
"Of Course" the barman replies.
"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks
the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck looks confused. "What the FECK would they want with a plasterer?"
<top>
What do you call a cat that swallows a
duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
<top>
A woman walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey where'd
you get the pig?"
The women says "This isn't a pig it's a duck"
and the bartender says "No, I was talking to the duck!"
<top>
A man is driving a pick-up truck down the
road with a bunch of ducks standing in the back.
A police officer pulls over the driver,
informs him that he is speeding and then asks him where he's
going with all those ducks.
The driver says that he doesn't know what to
do with them anymore.
The officer says, "Look, there's a zoo not
far from here and that's where you should take them."
The man thanks the officer and drives off
with his ducks.
The next day the officer again sees the same pick-up truck
barrelling down the road.
This time, though, all the ducks in the back
are wearing sunglasses.
The officer pulls the driver over and says,
"I thought I told you to take those ducks to the zoo!"
"I did," said the driver, "but now they want
to go to the beach!"
<top>
A duck walks into a bar and asks the
bartender for corn.
The bartender says "We have no corn, get out
of here."
So the duck leaves.
The next day he comes back and asks for corn
again, and the bartender says "I told you, we don't have any
corn! Get out!"
So the duck leaves.
The next day he goes in again and asks for
corn, and the bartender says, "For the last time, we don't have
corn! If you ever come back, I'm going to nail those webbed feet
of yours to the floor!"
So the duck leaves.
The next day the duck comes and asks, "Do you
have any nails?"
The bartender says, "No, of course not. Why
would a bar have nails?"
The duck then says, "Good. Can I have some
corn?
<top>
"Doctor, doctor, my wife thinks she's a
duck."
"You better bring her in to see me straight away."
"I can't do that - she's already flown south for the winter."
<top>
Three guys died in an accident and went to
heaven.
When they got there, St. Peter said, "We only
have one rule in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!"
So they entered heaven and sure enough, there were ducks all
over the place.
It was almost impossible not to step on a
duck and although they tried their best to avoid them, the first
guy accidentally stepped on one.
Along came St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw.
St. Peter chained them together and said,
"Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity
chained to this ugly woman".
The next day, the second guy stepped accidentally on a duck and
along came St. Peter, who didn't miss a thing, and with him was
another extremely ugly woman.
He chained them together with the same
admonishment as the first.
The third guy had observed all this and not wanting to be
chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, was very careful
where he stepped.
He managed to go for months without stepping
on any duck.
But one day, St. Peter came up to him with
the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. St. Peter
chained them together without saying a word.
The guy remarked, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained
to you for all eternity"?
She replied, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck"!
<top>
What does a duck get after he eats?
A bill
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